


talking point

by callumsmitchells



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Communication, Fluff, M/M, Mention of Death, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28170255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callumsmitchells/pseuds/callumsmitchells
Summary: Callum talks to Ben about his relationship with Whitney, and Ben opens up to Callum about his relationship with Paul
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> for anon, who asked for this on tumblr - i hope you enjoy it! x 
> 
> please feel free to leave kudos/comments, they're all very much appreciated
> 
> (also might have two more fics coming next week)
> 
> tumblr: @callumsmitchells

“You’re my first proper relationship.” Callum says suddenly, as though the realisation of his words has only just hit him. “Is that not weird to you?”

Ben shakes his head, straining his eyes as he looks up at Callum. “Well you’re only my second, really, ain’t ya? Paul and then you.” 

And that takes Callum aback, Ben’s words hitting him like a truck, because Ben mentioning Paul so easily doesn’t happen often - in fact, it never happens. Not to Callum anyway.

They’re laying on the sofa, Ben’s head is resting against Callum’s lap, Callum’s got his arm around Ben’s body and their fingers are loosely between one another. It’s lazy and slow and relaxing. Warm light fills the room from the lamp next to them, all nice and homely and perfect. The television is on low, the subtitles playing, though the spelling mistakes that appear often are irritating. 

“You never talk about him. Paul, I mean.” Callum says, testing the waters. It’s true, and he understands why, but really he wants Ben to know that he has no objections to Ben talking about Paul.

Ben freezes for a moment, his fingers that were once moving to the tune of Callum’s touch, tracing the lines of his fingerprints, are now achingly still. He knows Callum is right. If Ben’s completely honest, part of him wants to be able to talk to Callum about Paul, talk to  _ someone _ about him. The other part of him, however, selfishly wants to keep Paul to himself, and not share memories with anyone. He speaks again. “You never talk about Whit.”

A huff of a laugh shakes out from Callum, breath whistling out of his nose. “That’s not the same.” He concedes. “I didn’t love her.” 

“Kept her around for long enough though.” Ben bites back. 

Callum knows he deserves that, even after all this time. He tugs a little on Ben’s hand. “You know why.” 

Ben looks up at Callum. He’s not mad, he’s not. He could never be mad at Callum. “You still never talk about it.” He says. 

“Well, what do you want to know?” Callum asks with a sigh. 

Ben shrugs because really, he doesn’t know. He’s not entirely sure he’d be able to stomach hearing about it, even after all this time. He still remembers feeling jealous, feeling broken back then, broken and pining after Callum as if it was his day job. “Was she your first?” It’s still something they’ve never spoken about.

Callum rolls his eyes. “You know she was.” His other hand runs through Ben’s hair for a moment, brushing it back so he can see Ben’s eyes properly, even if they’re hiding behind his glasses.

“Did you love her?” Ben asks shyly. He knows the answer to that, so he rephrases. “I mean, did you ever think you did?” 

Callum pauses for a moment, letting Ben’s words sink in. “I thought I did. Right at the beginning.” He watches Ben as he speaks, and sees his facial features fall as he hears Callum speak. “But you’ve got to remember babe, I’d never felt love before. I was messed up. I didn’t know what I was feeling.” 

Ben turns his body, now facing Callum instead of the television. It’s a much better view. “And now?” He asks, pressing his palm to Callum’s, admiring how big Callum’s hand is against his own. It makes him feel safe. 

“Now I know I never loved her.” He admits and curls his fingers down over Ben’s, letting them link up once more. He puts their hands next to his mouth and kisses at Ben’s warm skin. “I know what it feels like now, and what I feel with you - it was never anywhere near that with Whit.” There’s a pause for a moment as he lets out a shaky breath. “She mentioned having kids once, she was late or something. I just remember my heart sinking at the thought of it.” 

A laugh threatens to fall from Ben’s mouth, because he would never have thought that kids weren’t on Callum’s radar, not after watching how he is around Lexi. “Do you not want kids?” He feels like it’s something they should talk about, but it’s never come up in conversation before now. 

Callum smiles down at Ben, his thumb running over Ben’s skin, right where he’s just left a kiss. “I never really thought about it back then.” He admits. 

Ben smiles, noticing how shy Callum has suddenly become. “And now?” He inquires. “You think about it?”

“Sometimes.” He says, and Ben’s suddenly full of butterflies. “Sometimes I look at Lexi and wonder if I’d be able to handle a baby like her. I think I could. One day, maybe.” 

Ben watches the blush on Callum’s cheeks carefully, watching as it grows brighter and gets wider, falling down to his neck and heating up his ears. He understands the implications of Callum’s words. He understands that Callum not only thinks about having a child, but he thinks about having a child  _ with Ben.  _

“Do you regret letting it go on for as long as it did?” Ben asks, deciding to drop the previous topic for his own sake as much as Callum’s. He can’t handle the butterflies in his stomach.

Callum’s eyes flicker down to Ben’s chest, running right the way across until it reaches his arm, and Ben just knows exactly what Callum’s thinking of. “Always.” Callum breathes out. “I shouldn’t have proposed. It almost ruined everything. I almost lost you.” 

That’s another thing they’ve never really spoken about. It’s always there though, a constant reminder of what they’ve been through. Everytime Ben takes off his shirt they see it. The gunshot wound. It’s not as obvious anymore, the scar simply fading, thankfully. Ben sometimes has nightmares about it still, but they don’t surface as often as they used to.

“You didn’t though.” Ben smiles. “I’m still here. Got a question though.”

Callum raises an eyebrow questioningly and he looks at Ben, focusing on Ben’s lips as he teasingly starts to speak. 

“How come you gave Whit two rings and I ain’t even got one?” He quizzes.

“Oh shut up.” Callum retaliates, rolling his eyes as he hears Ben’s laughter get louder and brighter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben talks to Callum about his relationship with Paul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't plan on doing a chapter two, but many people asked for this, so here we are! 
> 
> tumblr: @callumsmitchells

It’s unusual for them to have this, this complete peace in the morning. Usually, it’s full steam ahead, with everyone running around like headless chickens trying to get to work and school on time. But today is different. Today, there’s no screaming. There’s no rushing. There’s nowhere to be. Today, it’s calm and it’s peaceful and Ben's head is resting on Callum’s chest as they breathe in time with one another. Ben can just about hear Callum’s heartbeat thumping away in his chest, an all encompassing sound. It’s amazing. He feels himself rising and falling slightly, every time Callum exhales and inhales. Callum’s holding onto Ben’s hand, using his index finger to trace over the swirls of his finger prints and then down to the palm of hand, following along the crease lines as they form a pattern. He traces Ben’s fingers, a gentle stroke from the side of his finger as he makes his way over Ben’s hand, from thumb to his pinky and back - though he stills at the cold touch of the metal on Ben’s finger, only just for a millisecond, but Ben sees it.

They never speak about Paul. It’s not because Ben wants to forget about him, because he never could. He struggles to find the words somehow. Callum knows better than to mention his name, because he knows that Ben struggles. 

A painful silence falls over them. Ben tilts his head and looks up at Callum, their eyes meeting. 

“You want to talk?” Callum asks. The ‘ _ about Paul’  _ goes unsaid. 

Ben shrugs his shoulders and tries to look everywhere but directly at Callum, and Callum knows it’s because he’s about to cry. “Don’t know what to say.” He explains and there’s a slight wobble to his voice, showing his vulnerability. 

Callum tightens his hold on Ben’s hand, allowing their fingers to lock together, a pattern of Ben and then Callum, repeating right to the end of their connected hand. Callum’s other arm wraps around Ben, folding him into a cuddle, protective and loving and caring. A cold nose presses into Ben’s hair for just a moment, before Callum pulls away and rests his chin against Ben’s head to speak. “Anything.” Callum breathes, because he’s trying to choose his words carefully, knowing that one step too far could hurt Ben, and that’s the last thing he wants to do. “What was he like?” 

There’s a soft smile on Ben’s face as his mind floods with memories, treasured moments he’s never told a soul about. “Caring.” Ben says, and there’s a pause for a minute before he starts to explain. “He always cared about everyone, no matter the circumstances. He always saw the good in people. He saw the good in me. Made me laugh a lot too, which wasn’t always easy because I could be moody. Guess you could say I have a type.” 

Callum chuckles softly, letting his thumb run over Ben’s skin absentmindedly. Silence falls over them again, and it’s nice, it is, but Callum’s just waiting for Ben to want to speak again. He doesn’t want to rush him.

Ben watches Callum’s movement and lifts his own thumb up, waiting to trap Callum’s beneath his own. When he does, he lets out a breathless laugh. He looks up at Callum and smiles gently, his eyes threatening to burst into floods of tears at any given point, but he’s trying his hardest to not. He reaches his free hand up, and runs the pads of his fingers over the stubble on Callum’s cheeks. “I know I don’t talk about Paul much but that’s not because I don’t want to tell you things. It’s just - there’s some things that I want to keep to myself, to have that memory to myself.” It’s taken him a lot to just say that, because he’s worried that Callum won’t fully understand it, and Callum can see that in his eyes. 

“I get it.” Callum breathes out. “It’s like, that memory is so perfect that you just want to keep it for yourself. You don’t want anyone else to know about it, because they weren’t there, or they just won’t get it. You don’t want to ruin that memory. It’s normal Ben. I just, don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things, you know? Because you can. You can tell me anything, if that’s what you want.” 

It warms Ben’s heart to hear that.

“I know, and I love you for that.” Ben says earnestly and it almost shocks him that those words come so naturally, so easily to him now. “It’s difficult around his birthday or his anniversary, not just for me but for you too. I go off the rails, I know that. And I’m sorry for snapping at you whenever you’ve tried to get me to talk about him in the past. I know you mean well, I do, and I know I need to get better at speaking about how I feel.” 

“It’s okay.” Callum whispers out, and he puts his mouth to the crown of Ben’s head, closing his eyes for a moment as he, himself, tries to bat away the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He presses a kiss to Ben’s head and just stays there, probably for longer than really necessary, just breathing him in. 

“Sometimes.” Ben starts to speak, and it scares him that he’s willing to even say this out loud, but Callum means the world to him, and he deserves to understand what goes on inside of Ben’s brain. “Sometimes, I hear about an attack and I just go right back there. I remember everything, and my brain usually blocks it out, but something happens and I start to remember every name, every punch, every kick. I get scared again.”

Callum finds himself playing with Ben’s hair, running his fingers through it piece by piece, practically massaging Ben’s head as a way of trying to relax both of them. “Is that why you always ring me when I’m out late?” Callum asks inquisitively. It’s something he’s always thought about, but it suddenly makes sense to him.

A chill runs down Ben’s spine at Callum’s words, and then he slowly nods. “Yeah.” He breathes out. “I can’t lose you too.”

That breaks Callum’s heart, hearing those words. His arms suddenly tighten around Ben, pulling him into a hug. “You’re not going to.” Callum says directly into Ben’s ear. It’s for him to hear only, even though there’s nobody else around to hear his words. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me now.”

His words are a comfort to Ben, who realises that it’s something he’s probably needed to hear for a long time now. They remain in the embrace, Ben’s fingers wrapping over Callum’s arms, Callum’s chin on Ben’s shoulder, just  _ together _ . Ben smiles softly, allowing himself to sink into Callum’s embrace, the muscles in his body now in complete relaxation. He notices that Callum’s still tense though, and so he speaks. “You want to ask me something, don’t you?”

Callum chuckles, finally opening his eyes once more. “How do you know me so well?” He teasingly asks. 

“It’s one of my many talents.” Ben comments flirtatiously, turning his face and wiggling his eyebrows. 

Callum rolls his eyes but he laughs all the same.

“Go on then.” Ben presses. “What do you want to know?” He’s happier now, as though a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. He trusts Callum, trusts him with his life. 

Ben watches as Callum’s face changes and worry creeps onto his features. He opens his mouth as though he’s ready to speak, though he quickly closes it soon after without even speaking a word. He closes his eyes for a second, and then speaks. “I was just wondering.” He starts, and then he finally plucks up the courage to open his eyes. “If I got you a ring, would you take Paul’s off? I wouldn’t force you into doing that if that’s not something you’d want.”

Well. Ben wasn’t expecting that.

He turns his body, wrapping his legs around Callum, sitting face to face. Callum tries to look anywhere but in Ben’s direction, until the younger man holds onto Callum’s chin delicately. “Course I would.” Ben admits, and his words run down Callum’s spine like a tingle. He holds his hand up for Callum to see. “This ring, it hides what was there. I’m not ashamed of it, I never could be. It’s just easier to forget it if I can’t see it everyday. But your ring, one that you pick out yourself and choose for me, I’d wear that everyday with pride.” 


End file.
